This doesn't make me special because over half of the people you meet harbor some sort of chronic illness or pain. But I have to ask, haven't I always been sick at each point in my life? My fight with chronic pain started young.... first there was whooping cough, chicken pox, stomachaches, and then later back injury, headaches and the list goes on. Yet there is some freedom in admitting this fatal flaw of my physical being. I am sick, but I am not abnormal. This is some sort of weird consolation.
In my most recent struggles with pain, I find my body becoming less active but my mind becoming more so. I am often creating absurd fantasies where I can float back in time and rewrite the wrongs or become a hero when I was weak. For example, I get to go back and re-introduce myself to an ex-boyfriend that mistreated me, or go to a different doctor that may have known the right thing to do at the start of an ill.
No matter what my nostalgic fantasy, I have the power to change things. What a gift! Yet I lose sight of the fact that this very moment is one of those times that I may look back on and wish I could re-live. Do something different Rainey- (this is what I can foresee my future self telling me presently).
My husband and I have five ornate ticking cuckoo clocks in our small apartment. They tick so loudly that it's impossible for a guest not to take notice and comment. Lately, I find that the sound of time ticking by does nothing but lull me to sleep.
2 comments:
you are my hero. Your blogs are medicine for others' afflications, mine included. I hope your find a simialr elixir, writeen or otherwise. I love you.
Do you watch Being Erica? If not, do. Canadian show on Soapnet,
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