Ironic how now more than ten years after high school when I look at that letter I wish I had written something that was easier to attain. This is the hardest thing myself could've written to myself. But I'm up for the challenge. I don't want to let 17 year old Rainey down. Not when she put all of her hopes, heartaches and dreams on my shoulders. She wanted to believe that everything she saw and experienced was going to be worth it for who she would become and what she would be....happy. Someday. I have always been very black and white in regards to how I view the world. But as the great Bruce Springsteen once said, "What was once so black and white has turned to so many shades of gray." So my rules are simple. When I have a negative thought I will say, "Nevermore" to push it out of my head. Not going to analyze, ruminate or worry about it's validity. I learned this tactic in yoga. You are supposed to have a word that gets the "noise" out of your head. I don't think the yoga instructor new what she was up against because in the span of 5 minutes I thought this:
"My yoga instructor isn't in shape, she's puffy. Kinda fat. I won't get a good workout. I hurt. I'm still hurting, breathing doesn't do shit. I'm not even breathing correctly. Don't yogi's spend 20 days on a mountain or by an ocean half naked practicing how to breathe and come home and still can't get it right? How the fuck is she going to teach me how to breathe by just repeating "breathe"? This is dumb. I should join a sport. I can't join a sport, my freaking vagina hurts too much. I can't ride a bike. I should sell my bike. Damn, I used to tear it up on a bike. I'm not sweating. When am I going to sweat? I won't be thin, I'm fat. This yoga shit will keep me fat. Oh god, there's a 90 year old woman in this class. DEFINITELY not going to get a workout. I should pray more. But I can't pray to a God that's a dude. That's weird. That's like some sort of Freudian shit. Praying shouldn't be coed. It should be like private schools. Girls should pray to girls and guys to guys. This yoga shit has me thinking weird. I just bought an unlimited monthly pass so I should get used to thinking weird for one month."
That's the honest to God look inside my head. Now if that's 5 minutes, imagine 24 hours? As of yesterday, I put rules on my journaling too since it is just an extension of my thoughts.
5 categories is all I get a night. I pick 5 things that I can journal about and that's it.
It will be:
Unconditional love
Nutrition
Happiness
Exercise
Compliments to myself
I can write under these categories. No longer can I write under illness, hair loss, panic or pain.
But this is stupid- NEVERMORE. See, I'm off to a good start.
2 comments:
I read somewhere that you don't push negative or unwanted thoughts out in meditation. That you shouldn't judge them at all. You simply notice that you are having a thought, "interesting," you say to yourself, "but I am doing something else now," and you continue breathing.
Happy you are making the attempt at evolution. It takes many of us millions of years, environmental pressures, and some luck. I am beginning to think that happiness is the willingness to accept that I'm just negative about some things. Anywhos, diatribe aside, I hope you will also remember the first part of the letter to yourself... just as important, in my view.
Don't feel bad about your un-yogi like inner monologue. I was in class last night and I thought this, "I don't like restorative yoga class because I don't like to hear fat people snoring." I have an unlimited pass too at yoga yoga. We should go together. You can definitely get a workout in the right class.
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