I'm Sick With Nothing

It’s interesting being sick with a condition that no one can find a diagnosis for. When I was 23 years old, I was a waitress at Chuy’s. I just finished with my shift at 3pm and a friend met me on the patio for a margarita. I remember him talking. I felt everything go quiet. Life was instantly in slow motion. My body couldn’t move and I broke out in a sweat all over. Then next thing I know, I’m on the floor in a seizure. I fell over in a metal chair that slammed on top of my thigh and I hit the concrete with a thud. Flashes of pain. I recall that my limbs felt as light as feathers as they were flaying all over. My jaw was clenched so tight that I felt like it would crush and I would die if I don't open my mouth to breathe. Saliva is choking me. My heart was pounding with the force of 20 drums. I heard sirens and the medics take me away. I had to quit my job. I take a boring office job but even putting stamps on envelopes is difficult because I feel like passing out every minute of every day. After 2 months of this, it fades away and my life is back to normal.
After the seizure, I get sent to the Neurologist for an MRI. I had fainted 4 times (once fell backwards down a flight of stairs) that summer. I get the results of the MRI- it’s clear. I get sent to an Ear doctor. I am diagnosed with Meniere’s disease. This is supposed to be a simple inner ear disorder that can be controlled with a low sodium diet. I become terrified of having another seizure so I adhere strictly to the diet. I go from weighing 135IBS to 113IBS. Years go by and I have small bouts with dizziness but no more fainting. It’s my 29th year. I meet a man and we fall in love. We begin dating as any innocent relationship begins. I wake up one morning and look in the mirror to brush my teeth. My eyes are black. Dilated. I am quietly freaking out…I know it’s back. I know it’s back and it takes control of my life when it does. He is incredibly supportive at first. Full of sentiments like, “We’ll get through this, there’s nothing we can’t do together.” But after one month of me barely being able to get out of bed to drive to work, he is not so assuring. Suddenly there is no “we” but statements like, “Well when I feel bad, I just go to the gym, you should try lifting some weights or set a goal of losing 10Ibs.” I think that moving an hour away from my job and closer to him will help us become more of a “we” again. I move into an apartment on 5 acres of land- one mile from him. No use. The relationship is over and I am sick as hell. Here comes the losses…my job (thank God, I’m too sick to work on next year’s fiscal goals), my boyfriend is gone, my friends live an hour away – I’m alone with this sickness that has no name.
When you’re sick, your world becomes so small. I sit on the pier at the lake when I have the strength. I take a job as a cashier at HEB- how hard can that be? I’m fine- it fades again. I had days where the dizziness would return and I would call my best friend in a panic attack exclaiming, “It’s back, it’s back!”
More doctor appointments. It’s definitely NOT Meniere’s disease, Lupus, MS, Brain tumor or basilar migraine disease.
Now I come to embrace the word “Hypochondriac”. Friends and family begin the sentiment of, “It’s all in your head.” “Try yoga”- Or my particular favorite, “You probably just got sick because it was God’s way of telling you that you and your boyfriend needed to break up.” I read books, I get spiritual, I get a tattoo to remind me of the illness and not to fear it. I think I’ve conquered it again.
Till now.
It started again a month ago. I have a kayaking trip planned with my job but my boss and I both knew I was too sick to attend. I feel like fainting when I brush my teeth, go to the bathroom, eat cereal, go to work, sit at my desk, talk on the phone, etc. It’s a constant fight. And now there’s a new boyfriend, a new job and a whole new price on the things that I face losing again. I go to more doctors.
Check my heart- it’s fine.
Check for allergies- perfect.
Check my glucose, thyroid, adrenal glands, pancreas, and cortizol levels. I prick my finger 4 X a day just to make sure my insulin levels are good. Everyday that goes by without a diagnosis I get psychoanalyzed by others who are just as confused as me. “Maybe you’re stressed by your relationship? Maybe your new job? It’s all in your head. You just need to sleep more.”
I woke up this morning and I can see the color of my eyes again…it’s starting to fade like it always does. It never lasts more than 2 months but it’s unbelievable how much one can lose in such a short amount of time when you don’t have a diagnosis. I faint, my eyes dilate, my legs cramp, my feet go numb, I have excessive urination to the point where I can’t fall asleep because I’m always running to the bathroom, my mouth gets dry, I get nauseated. What are you and why can no one figure out your symptoms?!!!!!! Goddamn I wish I could name you.
I’ve often wondered if I could’ve looked at my boyfriend back then and said, “Oh, I have diabetes-it’ll pass”. Perhaps he would’ve stopped looking at me with disgust lying in bed thinking to himself that I was lazy and weak. I’d still have a lot of things but I suppose I wouldn’t have the love of my life playing video games next to me when I’m lying in bed too sick to get up. I wouldn’t have found an amazing boss who tells me to take all the time I need to get better. I wouldn’t work with amazing co-workers who don’t look at me like I’m lazy but rather with true concern in their eyes. I guess I’m learning that ironically, perhaps having nothing is actually something.